Bedtime can be one of the most emotionally charged times of day for a young child – and often for their caregivers as well. When the lights dim and the world quiets down, fears and anxieties can come alive in a child’s imagination. But there’s a powerful and effective approach that can transform bedtime from a battleground into a bonding experience: co-regulation for bedtime anxiety.
What is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation refers to the supportive process in which an adult helps a child understand, manage, and navigate their emotions and behaviours. It involves the caregiver modelling and guiding emotional responses in a calm, connected way, allowing the child to feel safe and gradually learn how to self-regulate.
Young children, especially toddlers and preschoolers, are still in the early stages of developing self-regulation skills. They usually need support from an adult to calm themselves down. This is where co-regulation becomes vital. Instead of expecting children to “calm down” on their own, adults step in to be their emotional anchor – offering calm, reassurance, and consistency.
Why Co-Regulation Matters at Bedtime
One of the most common times for a child’s anxiety to spike is right before bed. The transition from an active day to a restful night can be difficult, especially when it involves:
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- Fear of the dark
- Worry about monsters or imaginary threats
- Separation anxiety from parents or caregivers
- Overstimulation from the day’s activities
- Trouble processing emotions without distractions
By using co-regulation for bedtime anxiety, parents can help children shift into a more relaxed, emotionally safe state before sleep. This helps create a smoother bedtime routine while also building a strong foundation for healthy emotional growth.
How to Implement Co-Regulation for Bedtime Anxiety
Here’s a breakdown of practical strategies you can start using tonight to support your child through co-regulation:
1. Establish a Predictable Routine
Children thrive on routine. It gives them a sense of security and helps them anticipate what’s coming next.
Create a soothing and predictable bedtime routine that begins at the same time each night. Activities might include:
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- A warm bath
- Putting on pajamas together
- Reading a favourite book
- Gentle music or a white noise machine
- Dimmed lights
- Cuddling or talking quietly
This consistency helps your child feel safe and understood, a key component of co-regulation.
2. Stay Calm and Emotionally Available
Your child will take their cues from you on how to respond. If you’re anxious, rushed, or distracted, they will pick up on that energy. Instead, present a calm, grounded presence. Use:
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- A soft, reassuring voice
- Slow, mindful movements
- Eye contact and gentle touch
You are their emotional mirror. By showing calmness, you help regulate their nervous system.
3. Listen and Validate Their Feelings
One of the most powerful aspects of co-regulation is emotional validation. Rather than dismissing fears (e.g., “There’s nothing to be scared of”), try to acknowledge and normalise them:
“I hear that you’re feeling scared of the dark, and that’s completely normal – many people feel the same way.. I’m here with you.”
Validation doesn’t mean you encourage the fear, but it helps the child feel seen and understood. That sense of emotional connection can reduce distress dramatically.
4. Teach Breathing and Relaxation Techniques
Even young children can learn simple breathing exercises that help soothe their bodies and minds. Try this:
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- Inhale together for 3 seconds
- Hold for 3 seconds
- Exhale for 3 seconds
Make it fun by turning it into a game, or tie it into a story (e.g., “Let’s blow out birthday candles slowly…”). These tools build self-awareness and emotional regulation skills they can use into adulthood.
5. Use Guided Imagery or Storytelling
While a child’s imagination can spark fear, it can also be a powerful tool for comfort and relaxation. Create bedtime stories or guided imagery exercises that paint a peaceful mental picture:
“Imagine you’re floating on a big, soft cloud. It’s carrying you through the sky, and everything feels calm and safe.”
Alternatively, tell stories where the child is the hero who overcomes their fears, reinforcing their internal strength and resilience.
6. Support Gradual Separation
If your child struggles with separation anxiety, co-regulation can involve staying close as they fall asleep and then slowly reducing your presence over time.
Start by sitting or lying next to them, then move to a chair nearby, then eventually just outside the room with the door open. This gradual shift reassures the child while also encouraging independence.
7. Celebrate Progress With Positive Reinforcement
When your child successfully manages their fears – no matter how small – acknowledge and praise them. This reinforces their sense of capability:
“You did an amazing job staying in bed after we finished your story. I’m really proud of how you handled your worries.”
You can also use a reward system like a sticker chart or extra cuddle time to further encourage their progress.
8. Be Consistent and Patient
Consistency is key in co-regulation. If you apply these strategies consistently, your child will learn to anticipate them, trust the routine, and develop their own self-regulation tools.
Change takes time, especially with young children. Stay patient, and remind yourself that every calm response you give is a building block in their emotional foundation.
Long-Term Benefits of Co-Regulation
Practicing co-regulation for bedtime anxiety doesn’t just help your child fall asleep – it teaches them emotional intelligence, resilience, and a sense of safety in relationships.
Over time, children internalise the calming behaviours they observe. They begin to:
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- Understand and name their emotions
- Use strategies to calm themselves
- Develop secure attachments
- Sleep more peacefully
- Feel more confident and less fearful
These are lasting skills that will benefit them well beyond their childhood years.
Final Thoughts
Helping a child manage bedtime anxiety through co-regulation is one of the most compassionate and effective parenting tools available. It transforms bedtime from a moment of struggle into an opportunity for connection, trust, and emotional growth.
By staying calm, validating feelings, and teaching soothing techniques, you help your child not only fall asleep with more ease but also build a strong emotional toolkit for life.
Remember: you are your child’s co-regulator, their emotional guide in a sometimes overwhelming world. Your presence, patience, and consistency make all the difference.